nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-08-13 11:28 pm
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More waiting

I'm pretty sure that all I do anymore is wait. I'm moving out in exactly one week - hooray! Well it's not going to be fun to drive from Philadelphia to Burlington to Akron somehow...I still haven't worked that out yet. It may either be Philadelphia -> Burlington -> Akron or it can be Philadelphia -> Burlington -> Philadelphia -> Akron and then my parents will have to drive back to Philadelphia anyway. Either way, it's going to be long and grueling and I don't think I have enough '80s tunes to last the entire trip.

So, I've been job hunting. I'm pretty desperate right now, although it turns out that I only have to pay $500 a month for tuition, give or take. It's still a ton but that's a lot less than I expected. Hopefully I can get more grants and whatnot next semester and I will barely have to pay anything! That would be beautiful! I'm going to really have to work out my budget. Off to it is.

OH YEAH, did I mention I wanted a job?

BAAH I am everywhere today. :)
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-08-11 07:17 pm
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Back, sorry!

 Am I apologizing because I'm back or because I was absent? Anyway. I had abandoned this because I was fairly sure that I wanted to host my own blog under my own domain name, but I realized that that option is far too public and not anonymous enough. Not that I'm trying to conceal my identity on here, but it is easier for me to write here about meaningless bullshit because I am under the impression that very few people read this.

So. Where have I been since July 2, 2010? That was about a month ago - I got a new laptop since then! I've also started making all of the necessary arrangements to move to Akron - I can't believe I'm actually doing it! I just got back from visiting for a couple of days and it was pretty great. I know I'll miss the whole Burlington attitude, but it will be nice to live somewhere where there are more people than cows. I actually think I found a townhome that I want to rent in a really nice neighborhood, but it is about $800 a month and our budget was originally $600 a month max. This was before Mike started working - he just got a full-time job for an up-and-coming company and it seems really promising.

Of course nothing happens with me that doesn't come with drama. My family has been arguing with me about it and apparently I am being accused of digging my father into an early grave. There was absolutely no point where I considered asking them for financial help (which they did give me during my time in Burlington), but they wholeheartedly disapprove anyway. They think I'm being too extravagant in living in a townhome but I know what my priorities are and I cannot live in an apartment ever again. It was horrible on my mental health and I was in an awful state for the last 2 years. So right now I'm stressing out because I'm too stubborn to even want them in my life at this point (For the record, they are still my family and I love them. They're just a little loony.) so I don't want them to pay for anything. I have no idea how I'm going to be a full-time student, work part-time, manage living in a townhome, build up savings, have a pet, and possibly get a car. It's going to be hectic. But I stand resolute on the no-apartment deal.

So! Most of my classes are picked out and it sucks ass. They accepted most of my credits, but apparently my biology and chemistry classes aren't going to be accepted for my biochemistry major. They're accepted for general education requirements, but not the major requirements even though I took the highest bio/chem courses at my university. As if I didn't enjoy them the first two years! (Yes, I had to repeat. Note the mental health statement in the previous paragraph.) It pisses me off, but what can you do. I'm going to be in school forever.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-07-02 02:13 pm
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want vs need

Things I really want to buy with my Best Buy credit account:
- decent netbook
- fixed lens for Nikon D80
- stuff for the new apartment

What should I do?!?!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-07-01 10:50 pm
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Craigslist yo

I'm not sure how I manage to do it, but I am just great at oscillating between intense body love and intense body hate. Maybe it's just because I am around people who I consider gorgeous at times, but maybe it's a bit deeper than that. I wish I could be consistent!

The best part about being back in the city is the Craigslist. That's right, the Craigslist. When trying to decide where I should move to, I judged the cities based on the amount of Craigslist activity that they presented. But I've been stalked Craigslist nonstop lately, especially the free section! Not to mention the countless jobs I've applied to and computer gigs. Ah, Craigslist. You rock.

Speaking of Craigslist, I posted my laptop to see if anyone might want it. I got a $100 offer for this piece of shit and I'm thinking about it. I just realized that I have enough money in my bank account to get a decent (although not amazing) laptop and as much as I really want one, I have no idea if that's wise. When I get my stuff back from Vermont, I can have Mike's Dell and use the money for home stuff. The only problem is that Mike's laptop doesn't fit in my backpack and it won't give me the temporary satisfaction of buying a new piece of electronic equipment. Aah, decisions! I hate them!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-30 10:14 pm
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I'm home! I kind of miss being in Muskegon, since there was always something to do there. I really want to get a job but I have no idea who will hire me for a month and a half. Boring, boring! The trip here was pretty sweet though. My aunt hooked me up with free tickets from her work, which also meant free business class seats! I felt so awesome, even though it was only an hour and a half flight. So not worth it if you were actually paying, but the seats and service made me feel badass.

Arthur is super skinny. Every time I come here his weight drastically changes, so I'm not sure if I should take him to a vet. His food brand did change though, so I'm going to see if I can do something with that and hopefully he'll get big and chunkyyyy again. And the puppy is such a brat! He needs to get neutered ASAP because he keeps trying to steal my boyfriend. He's also not into cuddles as much as Teyla, but at least he smells better.

As far as moving stuff goes, I called the apartment complex that I really want (I posted pictures a while back) and it turns out that there are 2 bedroom options available, which makes me feel so much better! Now I am really anxious to get the place! I've also officially applied to the University of Akron and should hear back in 2-3 weeks. I just have to send my financial aid and hope to get BANK for financial aid. My mom's been yelling at me for being so impulsive again, which is even worse because she's with me in person haha, so I hope it all works out so I can prove her wrong!

Interesting, RIGHT?!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-29 12:51 am
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Last minute stuff

I'm such a bad traveler for leaving everything until the very last minute. But I went to the Verizon retailer and am going to have a new Droid Eris shipped to my house - I was really hoping that they'd upgrade me to the Motorola Droid like they had to Mike's cousin, but apparently I'm not imposing enough! Also put in money in the bank, which is such an awesome feeling! I realize that it will all be gone in a couple of days but it's still nice!

Candy, who has been taking a cake decorating class for the past couple of weeks, had her last class today and made us an awesome cake that said, "See you soon." It was really emotional for me and I'm not much of an emotional person! I hadn't realized how much I've come to love this family. Leaving is pretty much bittersweet. Why does the world have to be so big and everyone so far apart?

Anyway, I'm a bit anxious because I may have found someone to replace my room in Burlington and I've e-mailed a couple people about renting a place in the Akron area. I know it's 1:00 am on a Tuesday morning, but can everyone please just get back to me now for instant gratification?

So tomorrow I'm supposed to leave to go to Baltimore, where my parents will pick me up and take me home to Philly. I'll get to see Arthur and Puppy again! I'm so going to miss Teyla though, gah. Why are animals infinitely sweet? It's heartbreaking. Every time I've had to pack my bags, the animals know I'm leaving and get sad. Mike was just cuddling with Teyla and she started whimpering...really? :(

Oh you guys should know that I'm seeking references to Euchre everywhere. Damn game. One day!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-28 01:45 am
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Posting now because it'll be a busy day

Last night Mike's parents commended me on being a tank. My life is complete.

We started out playing Euchre, which is a fucking shitty ass card game if you ask me. I have been in some sort of depressive funk lately and it was just too much for my brain to work with! So I was kind of mopey and those people - gosh they know me so well - bought me alcohol. I drank as much as Mike but held my own fairly well. The worst that happened was loudness and I did kick ass at Extreme Scrabble (we combined two boards together and used two sets of tiles - omg). It was great because I hadn't been drunk in so long.

Talked to my mom a couple times today. It was great earlier in the day, but later on it was just bad. I told her about my plans to move and she wasn't digging it too much. It just made me feel horrible and I think I'm going to up my dosage again - ever since I lowered it I've just been gaaah. I'm so depressed (I hate using that word!) that I am physically sick.

Tomorrow I plan on going to the bank to deposit some cash and cheques, going to the Verizon store in an attempt to trade my Droid Eris for a Motorola Droid (seriously, the Eris sucks), and pack!!! I'm going home on Tuesday!

Also, I just signed up for this site where I can plan my own funeral. What the fuck.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-27 10:36 pm
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What is stress

I am just super stressed out right now. I'm trying to minimize the whining on here, but I just feel so crappy!

Stressing about money, both long term and short term. I have no idea how I'm going to finance my life. I can't find a job for the summer and my computer, which would be my moneymaker otherwise (and no it's not porn, you sicko!), is reduced to shit. I need to pay for my rent, credit card bill, phone bill, server costs, application fees to colleges, and transportation costs ASAP and I barely have $200 right now.

Stressing about my family. They've been really frustrating lately, but it's only because they're all stressed too! My mom is working 3 jobs, my dad can barely get up to do his jobs, and my brother is going to summer school because his counselor said he would pass when his teachers decided not to pass him. As stressful as it can get here, I think it's a much more fun and relaxed environment so going back home is bittersweet, as much as I love them. Also worrying about how I'm going to get TO my home, because of airport difficulties.

Stressing about the future. I still can't find anyone to replace me at our house in Vermont so I have no idea whether or not I'll be going back up there in a couple months. I have no idea if I'll be accepted to the colleges that I want to go to and even if I am, what my financial aid status will be for those. Since it's so good at Vermont, I might be getting into an even worse situation! Even then, I have no idea what I'll be learning - I'm a junior with all of these college credits but can't actually get anywhere because they're just all over the place.

That's my whining for the day, peace out!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-25 09:01 pm
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Mallard's Crossing

I'm currently defrosting five pounds of ground beef in the microwave, so I have a good amount of time to waste and post here. Approximately 47 minutes, in fact.

I've found the apartment that I'm SET on living at. Seriously, it is so gorgeous and unlike the rest, it's gotten amazing reviews as far as staff and maintenance goes! It's about $100 over what I was expecting to pay, but TOTALLY worth it. I'm a little nervous that they won't accept my application though, since I am a student and my income is very much less than five figures. I'm not sure how to specify that my parents will be helping me finance the thing, but I am willing to go out of my way to live here. Check out pictures I found!

Check out the swirly stairs stuff! Amazing!

And seriously, how do you resist a LOFT?

Anyway. Time to check on the beef.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-23 07:27 pm
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One down, two to go!

So I went down that list that I talked about in the last post - the one of people who act as the biggest obstacles to my moving, also referred to as people who I am inherently afraid of. Future (or not future) landlord was one of them. She said that she was okay in having someone replace me as long as some money comes out of my security deposit and the person passes the background/reference check. Sweet - one down, two to go.

Last night I sent an e-mail to my roommates about the potential move. They didn't seem to mind and are currently looking for someone to fill the vacancy. If that doesn't work out, then I have some random Craigslist people who can take my space. Anal-roommate-from-hell is away on vacation, so she hasn't been able to be pissed yet. This reminds me, I think she owes me money.

Am I really going to go through with this? I might not even get accepted to the school that I am applying to and I have no idea how this will affect my financial aid. Mike and I spent some time looking at houses and apartments - there are some pretty awesome options out there! We just have to make sure that we'll have steady jobs by September and a place to obtain some sort of education.

So I really going to go through with this?
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-22 06:48 pm
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Excerpt from my zine

In my quest to move to Ohio, there are three people I am inherently afraid of: my mother, my uptight and anal roommate, and my landlord.
I am afraid of my mother because she can be very judgmental and stubborn. Although I currently attend school 8 hours away from home, she clings on to some hope that I will ultimately move back to the area. Maybe even the house, if she's lucky. My telling her that I want to get an apartment and ultimately buy a house in the Ohio area will shred this little hope to pieces and she will be absolutely heartbroken - which, of course, will be expressed by anger. That may be for the best, because I don't do well with pity. I will try to reason with her but words won't get through on either side (as I inherited the stubbornness as well).

I am afraid of my uptight and anal roommate whom I don't really want to live with anyway. She is either highly insecure or highly conceited, as she is constantly trying to convince ourselves (and possibly herself) that she is just awesome. On several car rides with her, she spoke of her profound driving skills while I pinpointed three events which almost ended in an accident. She is very much the annoying, naggy roommate that is every slob's nightmare - and yes, I am the slob. I fear her because my moving to Ohio will destroy this order and plan that we created together, and she is not one for destruction. She will not hesitate to scold me for this.

And lastly, my landlord. I've often noted how fitting the landlord is for my roommate because she too, is anal. I have only met her once but we have corresponded over e-mail many times and my fear increases with each correspondence. She has already threatened to put the house back on the market, after spring break when all of the roommates were unable to get together for weeks and submit all of the paperwork. I will e-mail her first to see if she approves of my move and, if she approves, will go down the list of people I fear. My e-mail will probably be full of phrases such as, "If it pleases your lordship..." and "Of course, you have the final say in my life..." and anything I can throw in there to make my nose a solid brown. I've already written the e-mail and have it saved in my drafts, waiting for the final click of the Send button. Let me pull on my Depends underwear and off it will go, the next year of my life to be decided.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-21 03:27 pm
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Is it wrong to love yourself?

Yesterday I went to Lisa's house to celebrate Sperm Contributors' Day. I decided to wear an awesome dress that I purchased from eBay - seriously, it was just so flowy and fun and a beautiful shade of red. I felt so confident in it that I played in the yard with Braydyn and blew bubbles. Of course, because they have an awesome in-ground swimming pool that is 10 or 11 feet deep, I was down for some swimming! Once I walked into the bathroom to change into my bathing suit, I glanced in the mirror and admired my figure. Then I felt guilty.

Why is it that we live in a society where it's not really okay to love your body? I'm 5 feet tall and weigh 135 to 140 pounds - according to my BMI, that falls in the category of being overweight. However, if I lost 5 or 10 pounds, I would not qualify to donate blood. I have a pudgy belly, my thighs alone probably account for half of my body weight, and I am barely a B cup...yet I love it. I don't think I'm too narcissistic about it because really, it's just a body. How much of that defines who my person is? I don't exude confidence, but I'm not going to constantly bring myself down and search for the "perfect" me. I wish that all of the women in my life - women who are SO beautiful, strong, independent, and yet a little curvy - could realize that they are beautiful and stop beating themselves down over it. I've been doing it for a decade and it has done me no good! I am so happy that finally, after never really loving my physical being, I've somehow become happy with my body.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-20 12:33 pm
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He may not have teeth, but he's still awesome!

There's something a little queer about our family. As much as I love them, we don't communicate often. I very much respect and revere my father, but I have called his cell phone once or twice since moving out of home two years ago, and that was at my boyfriend's insistence...and it was a very confusing experience for me.

Normally I don't like Fathers' Day and Mothers' Day stuff, because every blog in the world today will probably be about fatherhood. It's not something I would usually participate in, but recently I've been so confused about my family that I feel like I should devote some of my time rambling.

Neither of my parents grew up with fathers in their lives. No one knows who my mom's father is and my dad's father died when he was 10. I attribute my dad's confusion of raising me to this hole in his life. How was he to know what role to play in my life without an example? The role he ultimately did take up was the provider for our family. He wakes up early, goes to work, occasionally comes back for lunch, goes back out to work, comes home for dinner, listens to Buddhist meditations, and goes to sleep. Rinse, lather, repeat.

This morning, I got a text message from my mom that said he has been unable to walk for the past 2 weeks because of gout and that I should call him, because it would make his day. This makes me nervous. What do I say to him? Do I say, "Happy Fathers' Day! I love you!" even though I have never told him I loved him before? Is it really as simple as that? I don't doubt that he'll respond with, "When are you coming back home? Do you need money?"

He is a good person. He told me that I can do whatever I want in this world, as long as I do good things for other people. He is qualified to work for the government but instead he works for the poor. He is often in too much pain to work every day, yet he gets up for his family. He is crazy about my mom, even if he doesn't know how to show it. He is one of the smartest people I know. If anyone says anything bad about him, then it is basically over with me. We may not be as close as I would hope, but he's still the coolest dude in my life.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-18 02:17 pm
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Two days! I haven't posted in two days! I knew that I wouldn't have kept up my streak of posting every day, but it's still a bummer when it breaks! Nothing much has gone on though, which of course is why I haven't felt the urge to post.

Lately I have been playing a lot of Scrabble, which has made Mike realize that he wants to expand his vocabulary, which ultimately resulted in us going down to the bookstore and choosing out many books. I've started reading again - it's a wonderful feeling! Right now I'm reading the first volume of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, and I am loving it.

We're also on a healthy-food kick because I always gain weight when I'm here and I am really craving vegetables. There was a moment when I was legitimately mad at him because he didn't want to eat asparagus. I really want ratatouille! Unfortunately no one here is going to want it - they are a primarily meat and starch kind of people, which really frustrates me.

What else? Teyla got sprayed by a skunk so I've been smelling like skunk for the past couple of days. I went swimming yesterday and can kind of learn how to swim! That's all I've got.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-14 05:40 pm
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Move or no move?

I don't know what to do! I recently talked about wanting to move to Ohio and have spent a lot of time looking up programs for school and areas to live in. Right now I am either thinking of moving there after the end of summer or going back to school for at least another semester and moving after that.

Pretty much every part of me wants to just move after the summer. I don't think that's me thinking very rationally and practically, because I just want a house. I was making a Target registry for fun earlier today and it was better than porn. My only concern is my current housing situation - I just signed a 10 month lease with 3 of my friends in Vermont. I've found someone who may be interested in renting the room, but I have no idea if it will go through or if the landlord will even approve. I'm not sure if I can afford the housing anyway - my dad's been too sick to work lately, first month's rent is due in a couple of weeks, and I don't even have half of it. Plus, it's kind of overpriced!

The most practical thing would probably be to go back to Vermont, finish a semester or two while saving up money for a down payment and other shenanigans, and then move. Gah, I don't know though. I feel so rushed and although it's a great place, I'm just so ready to settle down somewhere new. Mike doesn't seem as excited to help me find a new place or visit the area at all, so I feel like I'm kind of forcing the whole moving thing. I dunno, I guess we'll see.
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-13 03:14 pm
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I kinda like this.

 I love journaling, so far. I've noticed that I no longer feel the need to vent to people who otherwise don't want to listen - anyone who reads this is doing so on their own. There's also something different about this than the rest of my journals. My actual, written journals were all under the assumption that no one would be reading them - I've poured out almost every feeling that I have into them and as I read back on them, I find myself embarrassed and kind of bored. With Livejournals, Xangas, Blogspots, and the various blogs I've hosted on my own, I am writing to an audience, usually a very specific one. They're interesting to look back on, but I know I am holding many things back and there is barely anything there. So far I've written here every day, a trend that I don't expect to last forever, but it's been an enjoyable process. I'm not apologizing for not posting so often because I'm not keeping an audience in mind, nor am I keeping this all to myself. Most importantly, I don't see this as a chore. I think that has a lot to do with Dreamwidth also - it may seem a little slow, but I like that!

Things have been very chill lately. We've taken a break from doing weeks of nonstop labor and are just hanging out, playing games, and whatnot. Right now I'm working on an online store that I started last year - yes, working on a website is my idea of leisure. I placed an order for 1,000 business cards so I think I'm going to have to start handing those out! The whole thing has to be restructured and redesigned before I will even consider it though, which is what I'm working on right now. Hopefully it can get done before the weekend!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-12 11:39 pm
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I Think My Tractor's Sexy

 I had a pretty amazing weekend with Mike and his family. We went up north to go camping, which I was absolutely not excited for because it was supposed to rain and thunder all weekend, I was supposed to be getting my period, and I was pretty hooked on doing work at the moment. I had a minor funk where I really couldn't get up and worried a bunch of people, so I got really frustrated and took double my dosage of Zoloft. (That night that resulted was pretty trippy, by the way - I was up until 4am by myself plotting to rob a grocery store. I even made a robbing list: hanging ferns, pineapples, coconuts, all loose shelves, and whole chickens.)

Despite that embarrassment, I felt a lot better the next day. I hung out with Mike's mom and we played some games. I'm starting to get a lot more comfortable about being alone with her, which is great. It only took five years of seeing her for a couple weeks out of ever year, but I enjoy it now! I hung out with some cows and even drove a tractor! I was pretty fascinated by it and wanted a picture next to the wheel because it was as big as me and the next thing I know, people are telling me to hop on and ride it.

This is what resulted!

More pictures! )

I really like the atmosphere here and being around them. They like to have fun and know how to sit back and enjoy life - something I think I need to work on! I think I'm going to try to spend a weekend up there with just me and Mike, although I suppose he's gone camping so much that it's not nearly as exciting for him!
nitalala: Laying in grass (Default)
2010-06-09 04:48 pm
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Brand Spankin New

I am a huge fan of starting anew. Google my old e-mail addresses and aliases and you'll find more than 7 years worth of material on several different blogging platforms and usernames and websites, documenting my life even before I finished middle school. Look in my closet and you'll see more than 4 journals that have never been finished. Every time, I begin to hate the person that I am and want to start anew. Every time, it doesn't work so I abandon it. Every time, I look back and wish I had never stopped journaling. So here I am, starting anew. I don't doubt that this will turn into another one of my abandoned internet footprints, but in the meantime it will be a great and positive activity for me. I feel like things are changing very quickly at this point in my life and I feel the need to document them.

Right now I'm in my second year of college, have enough credits to qualify as a third year student, but have the knowledge and requirements that are necessary for first year I'm not sure where that puts me in terms of academia. I'm renting a house starting this August and living with the same people that I lived with last year, but I'm going to try to leave halfway through our lease because I want to move to Ohio. I've been wavering between wanting to become an artist and wanting to enter the medical field, but right now I'm almost positive that I want to become a psychiatrist because they make baller money. Honestly, that's all I've got for now.